Chapter 1: The Purpose of a Healing Journey

Have you ever felt a deep sadness inside, but can’t find the right words to describe that feeling?

It is crazy to say that I have always had a sad soul. Everyone knew me as a walking sunshine as if I can be unbothered by the world’s most negative person (most of the times). However, maintaining a smile while feeling emotionally lost was overwhelming. Yet, I thought it was normal. Over time as I went through life and experiences, the sadness grew and grew. I put a band aid over each wound and they never healed.

Growing up in an Asian household and having immigrant parents, depression wasn’t a simple topic to bring up and talk about. Not that I did not have loving parents, but it was a cultural thing where we don’t speak on depression as openly as we do nowadays. So, I’ve learned to throw my tantrums and move on or keep my venting to myself.

My last three decades put me through a roller coaster; feeling out-of-this-world happiness then falling into a deep hole and repeat. My first two decades were all about trying to fit in and establishing my identity – knowing what my favorite color was to being a typical teenage rebel. When I thought I had it all figured out at the age of 20, I entered a new phase called motherhood and had to do some things all over again like figuring who I am in this new role.

Then the clique moment of my life occurred when I experienced my first true heartbreak. My separation in 2018 took me through many phases – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Let me add – making tons and tons of trials and errors.

A separation is never easy especially when you’re the one who is not ready to let go. It is like a slap in the face, and you’re left to figure out where things went wrong then are forced to recollect yourself. I had to fight with myself every day to keep going. However, I knew I had to stay strong for my boys while crying myself to sleep every night and waking up the next day to do what I must do as a parent. Aside from my parent’s divorce back in 2009, this was one of the hardest times of my life where I fell deep into depression. As time went by and I found ways to occupy my mind, it led me to believe I have healed from this tragic life event. I believed I didn’t need to do anything else because I have “healed” and I was “happy”. I was so convinced my mission was complete and I had accomplished a state of true self-love. However, that heavy pain in my heart was still there.

It seems to take more and more of my emotional energy to get through the day. By the end of the day, I am emotionally drained and lack the energy to stay happy. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry to myself asking “Why am I feeling like this?” Once again, I believed I’ve moved on from my traumas because I accepted a new job position with a better pay and schedule, I moved out to my own place, I made sure to surround myself with positive people, and had the opportunity to speak at entrepreneurial events.

What else did I need?

So, I took a few months off my social medias – I know, that wasn’t very long. However, I concluded that I was too comfortable where I was, and I was becoming a person I do not recognize. This was not who I wanted to be once I entered my 30s. And that hurt so much.

Despite feeling like I hit a dead end, I never had any suicidal thoughts. I just felt drained and lacked major motivation. It took a lot out of me to pick myself back up. I encouraged myself to reevaluate the things that helped me before and introduced myself to new things that I know will add value to my healing journey.

This is when I realized that I needed to start my true healing journey. First was to figure out my purpose of my healing journey and what I wanted out of this. Because doing nothing will affect everything. So my purpose of my healing journey is to rebirth a better version of myself and share my story that even though I may not have gone through the worst in life, depression is not what we make it seems. We must learn to properly heal from our traumas so we can live the life that we deserve. Healing is to be at peace mentally, physically, emotionally and verbally.

When you are ready to embark on your healing journey, take the time to ask yourself these questions:

How do you define healing?

Why are you going on a healing journey and why is it important for you?

What do you want to achieve during and after this healing journey?

When you know your answers, visualize your healing journey, and allow that as your guiding light. Even if you aren't ready, answers also reveal themselves within the journey.

Thank you for reading this first chapter. I hope you enjoyed the read and you or someone you know can relate. Please leave any respectful feedback. Have a blessed day!

Xoxo,